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It's been 3 weeks since the day I embarked out of the LA airport.
I've seen beautiful things-- living in a community, enjoying whole new landscapes of nature, venturing deep into the African bush, sharing Jesus with villagers who never heard His grace explained, and unpacking the fullness of our salvation in a classroom. I will take home from my training a reinforced and refreshed understanding of how our God gives us an identity more powerful than lingering sin or insecurities, and He does bring healing (a girl with malaria, weak and shiny with sweat, became dry and strong enough to walk away smiling once we opened our eyes).
I've also seen uncomfortable things, which I'm still cautiously examining. I want to be open to whatever ways God wants to blow my mind and teach me the power of the Holy Spirit. However... speaking out in an unintelligible prayer language, collapsing to the floor (whether from faintness or uncontrollable laughter), and repeatedly pressing for the whole congregation to receive that as an additional "baptism of the Holy Ghost/fire of God/anointing" are all things I'm unsure of.
I know friends who speak out in a prayer language (though much more quietly, without putting it on others, and with interpretation if shared to a congregation). I tried to open my mouth and say whatever was flowing from my spirit, as they taught it, but I've only felt insincere babbling or silence. I don't see how this practice brings a personal increase of faith, or why it should be exclusively understood as what Peter meant by "prayer in the Holy Spirit" or how Paul described the the Spirit groaning on our behalf.
I do know that we are immersed in the Holy Spirit, and this can be tangibly experienced through the laying on of hands. Leaders told me that I was empowered for ministry before this happened to me, but I can also see how it served as an affirmation of the Lord's presence and milestone for exponential growth that was already occurring through my discipleship.
Holy Spirit used Caleb and Madi, who know and love me, to be participants in this as they laid their touch very lightly while praying for holy fire to energize the personal ways I think and love. In it, I felt the lasting pressure of an embrace against my chest, and a warmth growing from inside my heart. It ended with Caleb touching my nose-- another very personalized component, evoking the endearment I shared in romantic affection. It was so powerful for me in its subtle simplicity.
The "anointing" I see here is delivered by a Pentacostal guest preacher, who has taught for two nights
already, and will continue for another two. He shouts at us for not being spiritually hungry enough, or not realizing our need for the Holy Spirit's help, or not realizing that our salvation should free us from slavery to sin. He places a hand on each persons head, or even pushes them back and forth, while repetitively calling out, "FIYAH! FIYAH OF GOD!".
It's a revival week of night services here, because we have Zambian tribal chiefs and the King of the Lunda from Congo all gathered. I pray they get something out of it... but I only saw the already expressive folks living on our base as the ones who fall down or break into helpless laughing/crying. That's sad, because the Holy Spirit and tongues was specifically shown in Acts to transmit across and bind together all people. And do we really need to keep spending time for special services to get refills; rather, shouldn't we just step into the fullness of spiritual power residing in us?
Anyway... I should write by now that I'm doing okay through all this. I don't feel right about it (the Pentacostal guy only briefly put his hand on my head while in the middle of saying how some of us need to know what the Word says, not just our preacher, before we are ready for anointing) but I rest knowing that I am already complete and called here by God! You don't need to worry or come rescue me, because the Lord has a reason for bringing me here... even if it is challenging, and not meant for more than 3 months.
And I was hoping that I could serve long-term with this organization. There's so much I already loved about their vision, and these first two weeks were like a honeymoon. Now I'm feeling somewhat heartbroken, if something they emphasize so highly from the pulpit isn't part of what we agree on. It disappointed me that when they could have edified these tribal leaders and missionaries with instruction... they instead preached conviction to an already agreeing choir and chased night after night a manufactured experience.
There were several other ideas taught about-- evil motives behind media, a blunt reprimand for anyone lukewarm to get kicked out, careless bashing of other denominations and 90% of the Church, prosperity blessings for some to be millionaires, guaranteed perfect health/healing because of the Spirit in us, and the erasing of our national identity in the kingdom. I hadn't heard them proclaim these things in their YouTube messages, but in this case they laughed at the jokes and affirmed what that preacher said, or the leader of this organization stood up and directly agreed, calling the guest preacher our drill sergeant even if it's hard. It's enough against my renewed heart and what I know of God's heart - plus the need for cultural sensitivity in missions to the unreached - that I must find a different team to partner with.
Honestly, at times I do feel like I want to be taken back home. I feel kind of fake right now, oddly familiar to what it was like to be at CCC's youth group while an atheist, a spiritual lifetime ago. Will they be okay with it if I never retry speaking a prayer language? I'll stay open to discovering if I'm wrong and God has something more, but I will keep my sincerity and conscience. You know me-- I like finding a balanced middle-ground.
I still love the quality of people here, and the bond formed by living together and going on an expedition (though I wouldn't compare it with time-tested, intentionally pursued companions waiting for me back home). I still learn new truths and internalize old ones about our God's longing for intimacy and adventure with us (just not from that one preacher). I still know what God already did in me, and I believe He is working through them... even in the worst-case that they are frequently engaging in something man-made and meaningless.
I messaged Ryan about it, and he encouraged me to test everything taught while keeping an open heart rather than rejecting it all. He thought there might be a non-obvious lesson in all this... perhaps remaining confident in my relationship to God and gentle character, when my peers surrounding me are so dramatic and loud. This morning I had a dream (you can bet I was praying for one of those again) with my Bible flipping to John where Jesus breathed the Holy Spirit on his disciples, but then I also saw the words "I am your anointing." I also read 1 Timothy 3, about Paul's key traits for church leaders, which were all characteristics of being quiet and controlled with an established walk with God in your private life.
So God is so good and present with me... and that said, A) there's good things to imitate at times in their boldness, and B) wherever I am in the future, I might very well minister to or with these believers who I can feel so irrationally wary of. I won't always be in a bubble of people who believe and behave as I do.
I love these particular people, and whatever the growth and lesson ends up being, my focused commitment with the next 2.25 months is to serve Jesus's church and savor the journey God leads me in. It should get better as we transition from revival services to more practical missions training and expeditions (I seriously loved the impact we were able to make in that last one through the Gospel)..
I needed to write out and post all of this for my own expression... but I also take comfort knowing you will read it, my friend, and think it right for you to pray for me in this weird trial that I can't broadcast to just anyone. It will work out for good.
Oh, and you might be amused to hear that our worship songs tend to last 10-15 minutes each, because thrice-repeated bridges and choruses, and even verses and ad-lib sections. It's crazy, but sounds pleasant somehow since they're skilled musicians and singing passionately can be fun.
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Okay, it's been a day, and now an update is necessary.
Last night was even more awkward, as the preacher gave an altar call for "getting drunk in the Holy Ghost," so that people swayed and fell and went into laughing (though, I recall that being the same reaction as other nights).
Everyone gathered around and joined in somehow, even if at least one friend I know was just being open and laughing along with it in a natural sense. I stayed seated by myself, but praying to God for what he wanted me to do. I felt a sensation over my shoulders, like I was already cloaked with presence and power. I stayed and I felt this was most honest and sincere.
Now, my opposition to the practice (though moreso for the teaching behind it of required refilling) was quite obvious... and a few came by to talk to me, and there was some debating, but mostly a lot of love and encouragement for me to keep an openness about it.
Then this morning, our guest teacher from South Africa came up to the pulpit, and I like his style far better. He said the yelling and preaching last night was to get us to realize what we're given that allows us to access heaven, be just like Jesus, and to walk continually in that power after being born again and H.S baptism.
That, and he gently called a few people to stand one at a time, including me. He wanted to pray and prophesy over me, that I would understand how "this day in history was Taylor-made" for me, and more deeply comprehend my sonship, and that I'm made to be a dragonslayer... not limited by being small and handsome, but seeing myself in the mirror as someone lions will bow to. He prayed God would impart this truth beyond his words, apart from my own understanding (I'm still working to balance that one) and asked if I would receive this word... to which I nodded yes, and at the end he encouraged all of us for the way he sensed us being receptive.
Obviously, I appreciated the pun, and that freaking cool title, and how he didn't force anything on me, and the hovering lightness of his touch on me (like with Caleb and Madi). I was even somewhat asking God for me to be called out and hear some personal revelation, to learn if there is something more going on in all this.
Okay. I'm convinced there is something more. At the very least, God is being His big faithful self in ministering to me by His Spirit in the congregation... even if they're doing other weird stuff. Or maybe I was wrong and those emotional experiences with the Spirit are good. Either way, I receive those Taylored words of encouragement for walking as a warrior, and I know I want to bring some degree of what I'm experiencing back to Clovis Christian.
Grace and peace and love from Africa,
Taylor Lewis
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