Manthano: Counting it Chara

For the first time since the breakup, I listened to - and sang my heart out with - my love song playlist. I’ve been far better since my previous manthano post, and I think I’m ready to write the beginning of what I’ve learned and how I’ve grown through this twist of plot and change of chapter.

See, where I left off in my last post was that most crushing note of sorrow-- that I lost the connection I had with Rachel, for knowing and loving her with the same depth. I wanted to somehow reset and go back, no matter how irrational. For the first four or five days, I would wake up re-realizing our relationships end, in the same way that you emerge from sleep on vacation and are surprised to be in a different bed.

God carried me through that most daunting portion of the trial, before even a week had passed... even though I had expected to be paralyzed in mourning for a month at minimum. Actually, sincere grieving was the agent He used to rapidly heal me, and is no less miraculous in light of how I hardened myself against rejection in the past. I am spartan with a tightly closed heart no longer.

My heart is made more tender (yet stronger) than I would expect it to be through this dreaded trial, and for that I give thanks. Moreover, I can let go of the closeness I shared with Rachel. It isn’t easy, but I know I have to start now. From my church family around me, I’ve received vision of how much better a love story God will write, and how much more beautiful a union it will be when our interdependent selves only complement how He designed us.

I have that to look forward to in my nearing future, in a way that most people can only take as a trite reassurance, so for that I am also joyously grateful. Heather even said I don’t have to do anything… so I will remain silent and let the Lord do the fighting.

Dealing with the absence of a close friend became a more prominent struggle during my second week, yet in that also Jesus has been unrelentingly gracious in providing me choice opportunities of words, affection, service, and quality time with the community I remain a cherished part of. Tonight when Caleb prayed over me, the Spirit called out that part of me still tinged by unchecked hurt and nagging depression, before directing my brother to give me a holy bear hug.

Some things I already knew, but now I know deeper. That God never wastes any measure of our suffering, for example, which is part of what won over this rebel in the first place.

Other things I now know in different ways. I always romanticized the risk of eros relationships-- when you don’t know for sure if that person is “the one” yet you bravely choose to pursue that they will be. I still think there is a place for this, both in my situation with God letting me seek Rachel and also in God’s own character, as He pours His love out though many (even His chosen people) reject Him. However, I no longer believe this is the only side of things... as I contemplate that Isaac and Rebekah are at least one precedent of providential pairing in the Bible, and God’s love for us is the highest kind although He foreknew and enabled our repentance.

I’ve found it a reassuring reminder: loving another soul is so much harder than any breakup. I think this is where my strength and vulnerability will be applied, even as I’m confidently led to the woman who will become my wife. There’s immense cost and effort, even when everything works okay; now I better know that through imitating Christ I can do just that.

And of course, but of most ultimate importance, is the greater closeness I get to experience with God’s Spirit through this trial. Now that I lost the constant communication I shared with Rachel, having unceasing communion every moment and small quirky messages amidst each day is invaluable to me. I hope I can better establish this appreciation for my truly closest companion, so it is not lost when my social needs are again overflowing.

That’s what’s been going on. I openly admitted what inherently sucked about this situation. Now, though there is still adversity in a more monotonous sojourn I must face, I can take it as a whole with far better things on the horizon, and consider it therefore:

pas chara.