Manthano: Discomfort of a Dragonslayer (II)

For that last night of our Pentacostal guest preacher, even though I received such a cool encouragement earlier, the way he was going about his teaching was enough that I walked out. Reluctantly, after a lot of prayer and ring-spinning, and only once it was clear he meant for people who confidently speak in tongues and we're ready to get Spirit-slain.

I felt a doom over my head, as I was now directly opposing and breaking one of our agreed rules... but I trusted the Lord to uphold and lead me. People still treated me with kindness, and my leader Casey offered total understanding and forgiveness. He encouraged me to still practice tongues in faith despite not feeling it, and I think I can do that out of trust and submission.

We had a different "Bapticostal" preacher that night, and it really wasn't bad. I think what he was teaching was really basic and carried some contradictions, but it wasn't attacking and didn't make a repeated push for H.S. baptism/anointing.

I don't feel like I have to fake so much now, even with all the weirdness I believe is going on. They're still fellow believers, with all the love of Christ and the ability to be holy vessels of the Spirit. At the end of that service, the preacher laid hands to pray and impart prophetic words. Some people fell down and there was some holy laughter going on (which can be super frustrating since it's a lack of self-control and causes disruption), but mostly it was something I was comfortable joining in when my leader prayed over me and encouraged to go up to the stage.

Looking back - between that favorite South African teacher inviting our whole class to pray and speak encouragement to one another that morning, the words my leader and another staff member prayed over me that night, and what was said to me once I walked up to the preacher - there are actually three messages I received which I want to remember. Even if their impulsive and emotional tendencies are what initiated them, these words proved effective to build me up in a time of need, so I'm open to how they very well could be Spirit-led.

1. "God broke down your walls built by fear of judgment"

My fellow student and friend Tessa told me this one. It's a bit odd but true; I've cared a lot about what people think throughout my life, although I feel forced to grow through it by being here and in this situation. I take it as encouragement to be myself even if it doesn't match their expression of spirituality, which they have only been gracious and supportive to in response. It's also an invitation to remain vulnerable with my friends here, since God has me here for ministering to them as well.

2. "The world is yours to explore and enjoy"

One of the staff members, JJ, said this over me as if directly spoken by God. He was referring to how I have a sense of wonder for everything He made. It was surprising, since I had just spent some quiet time seated on a rock in the middle of a thicket off the pathways, and I was thinking of myself as Radagast the Brown once again. Solomon too had a wisdom not just for spiritual things, but for animals and plants. He and Casey were agreeing that my mind is specially crafted to appreciate all creation, and that my calling will involve freely venturing across the diverse beauty in our world.

3. "You can do the work of an ox"

The preacher asked me when I approached what God has been speaking to me. I said he called me a dragonslayer, and he agreed that is a cool word. So he prayed for my ministry of the Gospel and confidence as a warrior, that my hands will be strengthened  and I will do the work of an ox. Now, earlier in the week the South African pastor taught us about how the Hebrew character for "a" is a picture of a ox bearing a yoke (so when combined with "ba" for house in "abba", it means the ox bearing yoke is in the house). I realized that an ox is a very cool animal to relate with-- strong in a quiet way, steadfast against pressure, and faithful to serve. It is awesome then, that the preacher's prophetic encouragement used this picture for how I can endure right now and work right alongside Christ.

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It's the next day now as I write. Someone new taught about how obedience in trials (like with Abraham and Isaac) displays a unique facet of who our God is. I think if I just pursue knowing and glorifying Jesus with my whole heart, and remember God as my King and Father who calls me to be a bold yet quiet warrior, then I have definitely discovered something from this week with all its encouragements and challenges.

Oh- and then right after writing all of this, we circle up and wash each other's feet, because there's a different way of seeing and speaking to someone from that perspective-- looking up at them, taking a servant role where they are master, and touching their dirty and calloused yet very sensitive soles. I realize that our teacher is the South African, quiet-Charismatic incarnation of C.S. Lewis. His wife tells me my name can also mean craftsman, and that God has filled me with His Spirit and I should never doubt the artistic gifts I've been entrusted with. My classmates tell me they love me, and are always glad when I break my silence to bring authoritative wisdom, or step out of my comfort zone to demonstrate radical faith.

I love them too. I will reconsider how creativity can play a role in my ministry, or just put my book idea of the Galaxtine onto full pages when I'm home. I'm not scared; I'm grateful to be here right now among these brothers and sisters.

Manthano: Discomfort of a Dragonslayer

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It's been 3 weeks since the day I embarked out of the LA airport.

I've seen beautiful things-- living in a community, enjoying whole new landscapes of nature, venturing deep into the African bush, sharing Jesus with villagers who never heard His grace explained, and unpacking the fullness of our salvation in a classroom. I will take home from my training a reinforced and refreshed understanding of how our God gives us an identity more powerful than lingering sin or insecurities, and He does bring healing (a girl with malaria, weak and shiny with sweat, became dry and strong enough to walk away smiling once we opened our eyes).

I've also seen uncomfortable things, which I'm still cautiously examining. I want to be open to whatever ways God wants to blow my mind and teach me the power of the Holy Spirit. However... speaking out in an unintelligible prayer language, collapsing to the floor (whether from faintness or uncontrollable laughter), and repeatedly pressing for the whole congregation to receive that as an additional "baptism of the Holy Ghost/fire of God/anointing" are all things I'm unsure of.

I know friends who speak out in a prayer language (though much more quietly, without putting it on others, and with interpretation if shared to a congregation). I tried to open my mouth and say whatever was flowing from my spirit, as they taught it, but I've only felt insincere babbling or silence. I don't see how this practice brings a personal increase of faith, or why it should be exclusively understood as what Peter meant by "prayer in the Holy Spirit" or how Paul described the the Spirit groaning on our behalf.

I do know that we are immersed in the Holy Spirit, and this can be tangibly experienced through the laying on of hands. Leaders told me that I was empowered for ministry before this happened to me, but I can also see how it served as an affirmation of the Lord's presence and milestone for exponential growth that was already occurring through my discipleship.

Holy Spirit used Caleb and Madi, who know and love me, to be participants in this as they laid their touch very lightly while praying for holy fire to energize the personal ways I think and love. In it, I felt the lasting pressure of an embrace against my chest, and a warmth growing from inside my heart. It ended with Caleb touching my nose-- another very personalized component, evoking the endearment I shared in romantic affection. It was so powerful for me in its subtle simplicity.

The "anointing" I see here is delivered by a Pentacostal guest preacher, who has taught for two nights
already, and will continue for another two. He shouts at us for not being spiritually hungry enough, or not realizing our need for the Holy Spirit's help, or not realizing that our salvation should free us from slavery to sin. He places a hand on each persons head, or even pushes them back and forth, while repetitively calling out, "FIYAH! FIYAH OF GOD!".

It's a revival week of night services here, because we have Zambian tribal chiefs and the King of the Lunda from Congo all gathered. I pray they get something out of it... but I only saw the already expressive folks living on our base as the ones who fall down or break into helpless laughing/crying. That's sad, because the Holy Spirit and tongues was specifically shown in Acts to transmit across and bind together all people.  And do we really need to keep spending time for special services to get refills; rather, shouldn't we just step into the fullness of spiritual power residing in us?

Anyway... I should write by now that I'm doing okay through all this. I don't feel right about it (the Pentacostal guy only briefly put his hand on my head while in the middle of saying how some of us need to know what the Word says, not just our preacher, before we are ready for anointing) but I rest knowing that I am already complete and called here by God! You don't need to worry or come rescue me, because the Lord has a reason for bringing me here... even if it is challenging, and not meant for more than 3 months.

And I was hoping that I could serve long-term with this organization. There's so much I already loved about their vision, and these first two weeks were like a honeymoon. Now I'm feeling somewhat heartbroken, if something they emphasize so highly from the pulpit isn't part of what we agree on. It disappointed me that when they could have edified these tribal leaders and missionaries with instruction... they instead preached conviction to an already agreeing choir and chased night after night a manufactured experience.

There were several other ideas taught about-- evil motives behind media, a blunt reprimand for anyone lukewarm to get kicked out, careless bashing of other denominations and 90% of the Church, prosperity blessings for some to be millionaires, guaranteed perfect health/healing because of the Spirit in us, and the erasing of our national identity in the kingdom. I hadn't heard them proclaim these things in their YouTube messages, but in this case they laughed at the jokes and affirmed what that preacher said, or the leader of this organization stood up and directly agreed, calling the guest preacher our drill sergeant even if it's hard. It's enough against my renewed heart and what I know of God's heart - plus the need for cultural sensitivity in missions to the unreached - that I must find a different team to partner with.

Honestly, at times I do feel like I want to be taken back home. I feel kind of fake right now, oddly familiar to what it was like to be at CCC's youth group while an atheist, a spiritual lifetime ago. Will they be okay with it if I never retry speaking a prayer language? I'll stay open to discovering if I'm wrong and God has something more, but I will keep my sincerity and conscience. You know me-- I like finding a balanced middle-ground.

I still love the quality of people here, and the bond formed by living together and going on an expedition (though I wouldn't compare it with time-tested, intentionally pursued companions waiting for me back home). I still learn new truths and internalize old ones about our God's longing for intimacy and adventure with us (just not from that one preacher). I still know what God already did in me, and I believe He is working through them... even in the worst-case that they are frequently engaging in something man-made and meaningless.

I messaged Ryan about it, and he encouraged me to test everything taught while keeping an open heart rather than rejecting it all. He thought there might be a non-obvious lesson in all this... perhaps remaining confident in my relationship to God and gentle character, when my peers surrounding me are so dramatic and loud. This morning I had a dream (you can bet I was praying for one of those again) with my Bible flipping to John where Jesus breathed the Holy Spirit on his disciples, but then I also saw the words "I am your anointing." I also read 1 Timothy 3, about Paul's key traits for church leaders, which were all characteristics of being quiet and controlled with an established walk with God in your private life.

So God is so good and present with me... and that said, A) there's good things to imitate at times in their boldness, and B) wherever I am in the future, I might very well minister to or with these believers who I can feel so irrationally wary of. I won't always be in a bubble of people who believe and behave as I do.

I love these particular people, and whatever the growth and lesson ends up being, my focused commitment with the next 2.25 months is to serve Jesus's church and savor the journey God leads me in. It should get better as we transition from revival services to more practical missions training and expeditions (I seriously loved the impact we were able to make in that last one through the Gospel)..

I needed to write out and post all of this for my own expression... but I also take comfort knowing you will read it, my friend, and think it right for you to pray for me in this weird trial that I can't broadcast to just anyone. It will work out for good.

Oh, and you might be amused to hear that our worship songs tend to last 10-15 minutes each, because thrice-repeated bridges and choruses, and even verses and ad-lib sections. It's crazy, but sounds pleasant somehow since they're skilled musicians and singing passionately can be fun.

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Okay, it's been a day, and now an update is necessary.

Last night was even more awkward, as the preacher gave an altar call for "getting drunk in the Holy Ghost," so that people swayed and fell and went into laughing (though, I recall that being the same reaction as other nights).

Everyone gathered around and joined in somehow, even if at least one friend I know was just being open and laughing along with it in a natural sense. I stayed seated by myself, but praying to God for what he wanted me to do. I felt a sensation over my shoulders, like I was already cloaked with presence and power. I stayed and I felt this was most honest and sincere.

Now, my opposition to the practice (though moreso for the teaching behind it of required refilling) was quite obvious... and a few came by to talk to me, and there was some debating, but mostly a lot of love and encouragement for me to keep an openness about it.

Then this morning, our guest teacher from South Africa came up to the pulpit, and I like his style far better. He said the yelling and preaching last night was to get us to realize what we're given that allows us to access heaven, be just like Jesus, and to walk continually in that power after being born again and H.S baptism.

That, and he gently called a few people to stand one at a time, including me. He wanted to pray and prophesy over me, that I would understand how "this day in history was Taylor-made" for me, and more deeply comprehend my sonship, and that I'm made to be a dragonslayer... not limited by being small and handsome, but seeing myself in the mirror as someone lions will bow to. He prayed God would impart this truth beyond his words, apart from my own understanding (I'm still working to balance that one) and asked if I would receive this word... to which I nodded yes, and at the end he encouraged all of us for the way he sensed us being receptive.

Obviously, I appreciated the pun, and that freaking cool title, and how he didn't force anything on me, and the hovering lightness of his touch on me (like with Caleb and Madi). I was even somewhat asking God for me to be called out and hear some personal revelation, to learn if there is something more going on in all this.

Okay. I'm convinced there is something more. At the very least, God is being His big faithful self in ministering to me by His Spirit in the congregation... even if they're doing other weird stuff. Or maybe I was wrong and those emotional experiences with the Spirit are good. Either way, I receive those Taylored words of encouragement for walking as a warrior, and I know I want to bring some degree of what I'm experiencing back to Clovis Christian.

Grace and peace and love from Africa,
Taylor Lewis

Manthano: Words Worth Carrying

“Don’t let the enemy make you feel shame for your past relationship not working. God knew it wouldn’t be long-term with Rachel, and He was already telling secrets about that to Heather… but take comfort knowing that He wasn’t troubled because you two were together. He was okay with it going on for two years and chose not to interrupt it because He wanted it to be a part of your story...”

“I’ve seen you growing exponentially through this! Even just six months ago, a mission to the wilderness of Africa is something you never would have signed up for, and now you’re about to go to every airport in the world and you’re feeling totally ready to trust God in this adventure. The way you’ve changed from it is so rewarding and you can thank God for using it.”

“...yeah, even with our backpacking trip, you impressed me and Luke and Connor. It’s not that you couldn’t physically do all that before, but something shifted in your confidence and your integrity for how you take on responsibilities.”

“When you meet the woman that the Lord tailored just for you, she isn’t going to say ‘why did you spend two years in a relationship with someone else?’ She’s going to be so grateful because of the man that you became through it, and how that prepared you to love her.”

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Then King David went in and sat before the Lord and said, “Who am I, O Lord God, and what is my house, that you have brought me thus far? And this was a small thing in your eyes, O God. You have also spoken of your servant’s house for a great while to come, and have shown me future generations, O Lord God!” 

- 1 Chronicles 17:16-17

There is a seed of courage hidden (often deeply, it is true) in the heart of the fattest and most timid hobbit, waiting for some final and desperate danger to make it grow. Frodo was neither very fat nor very timid; indeed, though he did know it, Bilbo (and Gandalf) had thought him the best hobbit in the Shire. He thought he had come to the end of his adventure, and a terrible end, but the thought hardened him. He found himself stiffening, as if for a final spring; he no longer felt limp like a helpless prey. 

-The Fellowship of the Ring

Manthano: Centurion

In my daily Bible reading, I've now worked through 33 chapters of Ezekiel. After reading Lamentations, I was told that these oracles of the LORD would offer a more hopeful message... and I think I agree it does, but not at all as I originally expected it would.

The book opens with spectacular visions (four creatures with four faces as the chariot wheels of a heavenly throne) and peculiar signs (re-enacting Jerusalem's imminent downfall on a Lego-scale of bricks and dirt). God gives Ezekiel a commission, but also fair warning-- these people are a rebellious house who will mock and glower and refuse to listen, but speak boldly! The son of man is then given a scroll of mourning, lamentation, and woe to ingest - which somehow tastes as sweet as honey in the mouth - and sent out as Israel's watchmen to utter the LORD's impending judgment.

Mourning and lamentation and woe, indeed. These summarize the meat of the prophetic book, in which God rages against Israel in a way directly compared with a betrayed husband.

The children of Abraham now have whoring hearts, trusting in the possession of their land and the security of foreign armies. They lean on might and self-righteousness, so that they may pursue idols and every injustice. They listen to Ezekiel as someone who shares quaint proverbs and nice sounding words... not actually listening or doing what they are told.

God says He will spend all His fury-- bringing a sword against those in the cities, wild beasts against the survivors in the wilderness, and plague against any who hide in caves or strongholds. When their nation is humiliated in the sight of all other nations, and the remnant is completely exiled from their promised land... then they will know that the God of Israel is the LORD.

How does the book, then, offer a hopeful message?

In some small portions there is hope - saying that God will leave a remnant, and He will give them a new heart to truly be His obedient chosen people, and His longing is for wicked people to turn back to Him - but these glimmers do not account for the book in its entirety.

Instead, I've learned to search for hope even within the most dark and wrathful chapters. Our God is not satisfied with our selfish hypocrisy, and will discipline us with any affliction necessary so that we will wholly belong to Him. Our God is in control over the greatest empires, using their destruction at times but impartially judging how they treat His beloved people. Our God can be encountered in places of shame and suffering.

Although I've written far less analytical entries in my journey through Ezekiel, it did encourage me to compose personal reflections, a devotional poem, and this overview blog post. It made me love God more for His jealousy and wrath. I've hated sin more and adopted a more bold attitude in the face of opposition. I've contemplated how my own nation fits the same motifs of self-reliance and rebellion, while also resting in the comfort that God's people (even in the U.S.) are today given regenerate hearts and made new creations.

I think most of all, the LORD's communication through Ezekiel renews my courage as I move forward from my own bittersweet humiliation, and awakens a passion to make Jesus known among distant, desolate lands and defeated banners.

Manthano: Concerning Hobbits

I wanted to prioritize reading The Hobbit before I venture to Zambia, because I knew I would find in its pages inspiration and imagery to relate with my own adventure. Last night, as I was on the edge of irrational despair and realistically desperate prayers, I began reading the copy Nick gave me, and discovered the delicious details of spiritual parallels therein.

First, we have the hobbit Bilbo Baggins. For fifty years, he lived in a safe place, the Shire, and an affluent home, Bag End. His neighbors love the little things in life - comfort, company, cultivation - but frown upon adventure, as it robs them of these enjoyments on their own terms. All except a single peculiar clan, the Tooks, who encountered the meddling wizard Gandalf. Bilbo’s mother Belladonna was a Took, although she took no more expeditions after marrying Bungo and having her fortune spent to build their house.

I can relate, because I love my home and relish solitude. This part of me still longs for a companion, but would rest content at sharing my own Bag End with her, where others are welcome to visit, but within respectable (predictable) reason. Despite my proximity to the Pacific Coast and Sierra Mountains, these natural landmarks have functioned more as barriers than frontiers, or as picnics to punctuate life within the confines of California’s borders. When my family took a vacation in Mexico I became ill, and my journey to Cambodia felt similarly at the time… so I assumed that my calling would remain at home, unless my future spouse insisted on moving, in which case I would simply find a new place to settle down and relax.

My expectations were gloriously shattered, as were Bilbo’s once the wizard came to his door. Gandalf, who did not take “no” for an answer, who marked the home of Bilbo anyway, who is gracious with someone who doubts and shrieks and faints at the mere possibility of never returning home, who patiently coaxes out the dormant Took side of him, and who adamantly advocates for the hobbit’s ability… proclaiming that his choice of Bilbo confirms he is now a burglar, or shall become one when the time comes, and there is far more potential within him than the hobbit or the others can perceive.

Should we think of Jesus as an old man? I would think He would ultimately be as youthful as He is wizened, although I see some of that in Gandalf’s quickness for laughter. Perhaps it is not the vulnerability of a venerable age itself, but how it initially conceals an unexpected insight and power, that makes the wizard a fitting parallel for our Lord and Savior. Surely, Jesus has done everything for me that Gandalf did for Bilbo… refusing my refusal, choosing me, and continually standing up for my own hidden potential. Whether it’s from my own Took side - originating in the virtual adventures I engaged in from childhood and my father’s enduring dream to serve in ministry - or simply by the calling and new creation that Jesus entrusts to me, there’s a passion for a great quest beckoned out of my very blood, made possible by He who goes before me.

Finally, there are dwarves. In contrast to Bilbo’s sequence of pleasantries and invitation for tea (despite his honest frustration at their surprise arrival), these bearded folk starkly state “At your service,” march past you to place their hood on your peg, and begin to eat not only your seed cakes, but the buttered scones too! They are not rude, but they seize hospitality in confidence, and express brotherly love without filters of second thought. Most importantly, the have no home, and instead place their hope on regaining the inheritance they once lost.

I do not yet know what people I will live among. I cannot predict the specific cultural values of hospitality, formality, and affection that I will be exposed to. However, I know that anywhere I go beyond the familiar Western world, I expect to encounter believers and fellow missionaries who are very much like dwarves (at least to me). These are the kinds of people God has newly surrounded me with. Those who do not hide behind their manners. Those who embrace the adventure of following God and tearing down self-built walls. Those who are unafraid to say I love you, and say it full of meaning.

No more stagnation within the testing chamber of my own control. No more ignorance to the needs of the world beyond, where humans and other beings hang in the balance. No more hesitation from truly loving others. Me, Jesus, and the comrades He chooses for me. A clear calling, personal and Biblical, to reclaim from beneath dragons a treasure long ago promised to every people.

A real and unexpected adventure.

Talu: Heard Far Away

They pitched tents surrounding that single stone slab, amidst forgotten heaps of rubble-- families from Kiriath Jearim to Mount Nebo; descendants from the lineage of Levi and Solomon’s servants; singers, scribes, ministers, masons, carpenters, priests, and common people. Together, their assembly numbered 42,360.

They arrived from Babylon, dispersed children of an exiled remnant… now entrusted with gold and silver treasures, and most of all with the king’s commission to rebuild the Jerusalem Temple-- the house the LORD, the living God of Israel.

They laid the first layer of foundation at noon that day, and although the livestock reserved for sacrifices could not be spent on such an early accomplishment... they nonetheless feasted into the evening hours on those provisions they could always spare-- music.

Brazen trumpets and boisterous cymbals electrified the night air. Priests leading worship brought out extravagant, jewel-encrusted vestments of a former generation, glimmering with new life in the reflected light of so many fires. Singers, both native Jewish and hired Gentile, lifted harmonious psalms of praise into the stars above and to the throne of He who placed them.

Yehovah towb checed Yisra'el `owlam!

Didasko: A Sabbath Day

Imagine if we added an eighth day to every week, where there is no work or school... only free time and rest. How would this impact the other days of your week?

In real life, changing the calendar this way would have too many consequences... but the Bible suggests a way of getting the most out of rest, which provides virtually the same benefits. This ancient practice - to guard a special resting day or "keep the Sabbath holy" - is making a lifestyle choice more rewarding than any productivity time you sacrifice.

For Christians, this should be a distinguishing feature of our faith. While Islam and Mormonism promote a tireless tunnel vision toward good works, Jesus offers grace (Hebrews 4)-- inviting us to abide, and to produce fruit out of this surrender. Intellectually, we understand this, but guarding a Sabbath day (not out of legalism, but from joyful choice) should help us to walk in it. Why would we assume our theoretical assent to this doctrine is enough, when the pattern of our week and values of our culture all emphasize our worth through effort?

For us Americans, members of the most overworked country in the world by measure of tracked and untracked hours, we could stand to listen, consider why the rest of the world seems "lazy" in our eyes, and reform our own time spent in relaxation.

Also, as college students, we are under constant threat of our free time being invaded with homework. For as much as we laugh at our own procrastination, it's questionable whether our carefree moments on social media or YouTube are actually rejuvenating us... when we are nagged on and off with guilt and stress that whole time.

From my own experience, I've tested this advice by guarding a weekly time of rest (usually between Friday evening and Saturday morning). I've found this discipline to be immensely enjoyable and a blessing for the following days of work.

If you choose to protect a special day off, the specific activities you do will vary personally, but here is how I've learned to make the most of your rest-- make it liberating, and make it life-giving.